17092012 - Hello Square One....

Battered and bruised inside I hit the brick wall of life yet again and I have returned. Returned to chat, returned to vent, returned just to do something. Mentally for a while I have been cemented into a pothole. Mentally I have had enough of certain people in my life, people from my past mostly, emotionally tearing me apart. On my wedding anniversary back in February, I received a telephone call that simply shattered me. A call from a woman who until that day I idolised. She showed her ugly side to me that day and I was suddenly reminded of the loveless & bitter world I was brought up in. For 43 years I turned a blind eye to it all but when this 'woman' spat vile down the phone at me then hung up on me, I woke up and promptly fell into that dark hell of an emotional pothole. And I've been there for 7 months, dwelling, remembering, getting angry and putting on too much weight. My right knee know has premature arthritis due to the excess weight. My stomach is getting as low as a limbo stick and I am ashamed fullstop, I am horrendous. I want to start working again but who will employ me in the physical appearance state I am right now. No one. So, here I am waking up on Square One. I have a very long and lonely journey to commence. I am scared. I am angry but I have not eaten a chocolate today ;0) What I have to do is to learn to take my anger & frustrations and turn it into exercise, somehow. Obviously taking my anger & frustations out on a cask of wine and munchies was a very very terrible plan. Failure, big time! I have just watched Paralympians do their utmost best in London and I am ashamed of myself. What these athletes did over there gave me the biggest emotional & invisible upper cut. What the fuck is wrong with me?? If these wonderful athletes can achieve what they achieved, why am I drowning my sorrows over and over and over??? What really scares me is I have a positive attitude right now, but what about tomorrow, next week, next month??? I need to not misplace the positiveness that somehow found me today. So, please, sit back and enjoy my journey... yet again and pray, LOTS, that I do return tomorrow or next week just to hear me say I am not in that pothole, sod off pothole ... some one cement this friggin crap pothole PLEASE?!?! I could simply just walk away from one said pot hole ... good idea ;0)

02022012 - One month down, hello February

Well, did a 'naughty' today. If you find any 'self control', please post pak it to my address PLEASE?! Okay, it could have been alot worse. I had cheesecakes waving at me from their enclosure, but I did not surrender (but geez the caramel cheesecake did look adorable!). For lunch I did consume a toasted chook, cheese & avocado sanger ... but I did have the accompanying salad. High Five Me!! But, I also swallowed a dozen golden deep fried potato chips. Da da daaaaa. Yes I know, 'you're terrible Muriel'. However I did log onto my WW account, I did track what I ate and after my dinner tonight, I still have points left over... phew. If my hubby EVER comes home, I might get to exercise, without the young audience I have here. Or I might have a glass of wine if the young audience here mentions the 'ice cream' words yet again ;0) Or starts up their Star Wars noisy swordy things. Maybe I'll just have the entire wine cask if my boys continue to be the Mike Tyson & Evander Holyfields of the world. Gotta love children, alledgely ... ;0)

But it is now February. Farewell to 4-5weeks of 2012. I know I am not allowed to think 'long term' but hey, who else wants to be smaller by this New Years Eve huh?? We are exactly 333 days until NYE people!! Thats 49 weeks. That means a weight loss of up to 20-50kg or 80kilos if I ate exactly like Angelina Jolie!!! Move out Mr Pitt, I'm moving in!!! Okay, I'll settle for the Biggest Loser House with Shannan. He can push me up them stairs ANYTIME!!! ;0)

31012012-Crikey! You scared the shite outta me!

Well, well, well. I've written something two days in a row! Looking good, looking good! LOL.

I'm still plugging along and haven't had any 'downslides' today. Yesterday since the rain FINALLY racked off, I went for an extended walk to my sons school. So off I went, walked down the street and entered the walkway and I hear 'Hsssssss' and saw movement in the grass. Suddenly a long dark shiny SNAKE leapt out of grass and attempted to scale the Colourbond fence. My heart stopped. I've held snakes, I've patted them ... okay yes, they were 'secured' by zoo keepers BUT my heart also ceased operations. I kept walking, it kept slivering the opposite direction. I swear, if I see another snake today ... I AM GOING TO STAY FAT!! ;0)

Today I am a little stiff and sore after yesterday's "P!nk" workout with hand weights. Didn't get to do that same workout today but I will attempt extended walk in about half an hours time. Anyone know of a snake catcher who'd like to walk with me????

My mother once again is giving me grief. I am now her taxi and need to drive her about on Wednesday. She called today, Tuesday and abused me for not picking her up. She tells me appointments are today, the doctors offices confirm that I am correct. The vagueness and memory loss with my Mum is dramatically increasing by the day, also her frustration levels are being taken out on me whilst other members of my family don't cop it :0( So, so over it. I can't let her sabotage my 'weight war' again. Not this time.

30Jan2012 - New Year New Life

Gee, it's mighty quiet here today. HELLO! Anyone here?! LOL. Yes, I'm baccccccccck. Yes, againnnnnnnn. New Year, new chapters, let's start again.

I didn't blog here at all in 2011. I was either too ashamed, too embarrassed or helping my mother or well maybe I was stuck in hospital. It was the worst year I have ever endured in my life and I've had shockers before but 2011 was horrible. My weight escaluated due to personal problems and just hating myself. In September my Mum was found in a dreadful state, almost died, had a stroke, spent 8weeks in hospital. She left hospital expecting everyone to be there for her despite how unhealthy one may be. I had to put my family aside to be there for her. Then there was family frictions and turmoils not worth talking about here. Then my youngest son's eye decided not to work, scared us to death. He now wears glasses. And then October 13 2011 happened. I had a meltdown, I couldn't cope anymore. For 4 weeks I had endured constant phone calls about my mother's 'behaviour' in hospital. I am one of five siblings and I was drowning under all the issues that stemmed from my hospitalized mother. No one wanted to give me a hand up, no one asked if I was all right. It was 4.40pm, I hung up from a social worker's phone call and I screamed abuse at the fridge, at the microwave, at the oven, at the cutlery. I couldn't cope any more. 24 hours later, my health deteriorated. I could barely breathe, I had a stabbing pain in my lung, I was in trouble. At 7am on a Saturday 15th October, I shuffled into an Emergency Dept and asked for help. I had severe pneumonia with a giant big fat abscess growing inside my right lung. I didn't leave that hospital for another 3.5weeks. I decided then and there something had to change. No more trying to please every Tom, Dick and Harriette. I was sick of being sick, sick of being taken advantage of. 2011 was a shit year and I didn't want history to repeat itself.

Fast forward to today. New start didn't start straight away, but we're all aboard and journey has commenced!! I have recommenced "Weight Watchers Online" and have also joined a 10week Weight Loss Challenge being promoted on a TV Network. I need all the help I can get!!! My weight after New Year was 134kg, last week 133, today 131.8 :0)

I don't want to be this big anymore. I am almost an invalid. I endured one of those most embarrassing moments in life where I couldn't get out of a pool. I was so ashamed. I'd start to get out of this certain pool and then I'd get leg cramps, ohhhhh it was so embarrassing. No one helped me, they just looked and whispered, so so horrible. I knew then this body had to shrink. Oh and then there was the holiday snaps. Eeeeeek, say no more!!!

Sooooo, I returned with tail between legs, with tears in my eyes, to Weight Watchers On line. $29 per month, I log everything I do, I eat, I drink. Started well despite barely any exercise due to torrential rain here, but by Thursday I started to slide downhill. Wasn't a big slide, but there was a party, with beer, with wonderful food! I have to learn to make Lamb Kebab Sticks, yummo! Sorry, but yes, I was expecting not much of a weight loss ... but I got one. 1.6kg gone. YAY!!!

As I type, the rain is moving away and fingers crossed I can walk up the hill to retrieve my boys this arvo. This morning to celebrate my weight loss, I popped my P!nk concert DVD on and for 35min moved my fat overgrown bum about the room ... without the whinging, the whining, the interruptions from unnamed children under 8yrs of age. I WAS HOME ALONE AND IT FELT FANTASTIC!!! I sweated, I danced but I achieved a 35min workout and it felt wonderful (especially since one only had 4hours sleep due to the Best Tennis Grand Final ever seen!!!).

Soooo, off we go, yes again. I'd love this 'journey' to be a straight, no breakdown, no hassle kinda drive but we know that won't happen, don't we?! LOL. "Moving Forward Janelle, Movvvvvvvvving Forward" LOL