17092012 - Hello Square One....

Battered and bruised inside I hit the brick wall of life yet again and I have returned. Returned to chat, returned to vent, returned just to do something. Mentally for a while I have been cemented into a pothole. Mentally I have had enough of certain people in my life, people from my past mostly, emotionally tearing me apart. On my wedding anniversary back in February, I received a telephone call that simply shattered me. A call from a woman who until that day I idolised. She showed her ugly side to me that day and I was suddenly reminded of the loveless & bitter world I was brought up in. For 43 years I turned a blind eye to it all but when this 'woman' spat vile down the phone at me then hung up on me, I woke up and promptly fell into that dark hell of an emotional pothole. And I've been there for 7 months, dwelling, remembering, getting angry and putting on too much weight. My right knee know has premature arthritis due to the excess weight. My stomach is getting as low as a limbo stick and I am ashamed fullstop, I am horrendous. I want to start working again but who will employ me in the physical appearance state I am right now. No one. So, here I am waking up on Square One. I have a very long and lonely journey to commence. I am scared. I am angry but I have not eaten a chocolate today ;0) What I have to do is to learn to take my anger & frustrations and turn it into exercise, somehow. Obviously taking my anger & frustations out on a cask of wine and munchies was a very very terrible plan. Failure, big time! I have just watched Paralympians do their utmost best in London and I am ashamed of myself. What these athletes did over there gave me the biggest emotional & invisible upper cut. What the fuck is wrong with me?? If these wonderful athletes can achieve what they achieved, why am I drowning my sorrows over and over and over??? What really scares me is I have a positive attitude right now, but what about tomorrow, next week, next month??? I need to not misplace the positiveness that somehow found me today. So, please, sit back and enjoy my journey... yet again and pray, LOTS, that I do return tomorrow or next week just to hear me say I am not in that pothole, sod off pothole ... some one cement this friggin crap pothole PLEASE?!?! I could simply just walk away from one said pot hole ... good idea ;0)